Surfacing

Last time I wrote I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. I was nearly paralyzed with fear over comps, which in retrospect was a little overdramatic, but I was seriously afraid of the concept of having ONE question per category to determine my success or failure as a graduate student.

It's so strange how intimidating this one test is. Ever since I started grad school, I have always had classmates who were finishing up their degrees and studying for comps, and they always got wide-eyed, sympathetic stares from the rest of us. We were usually awestruck at those who passed the first time, and never judged those who did not (and there were quite a few). I actually didn't think it would be that bad, even after I looked at the reading lists and sample questions. It wasn't until the time came for me to really delve into them that I started to realize:

"Oh $#!^. They weren't kidding."

Suddenly all of the ashen complexions and vacant gazes of my former classmates in the weeks leading up to their comps all made sense. Four categories. One question each. And it could be any one of these. Some of the questions were ridiculously complex and obscure, and some were poorly worded to the point that it was hard to tell what it was asking (and this from linguists!). Some of the questions took literally over a dozen hours of research, but I had to do it because what if that's the one? I started to wish I could just write a thesis instead (in my department, even if you do that, you still have to take comps -- so there is no advantage to writing a thesis, and most of the ones who choose that route are the ones who want to go on and get their PhD.)

In the end, we got what amounted to perfect questions, and almost annoyingly, ones I would have been able to answer without much studying at all. They were not simple by any means, but they were well-rounded questions that any student of Spanish linguistics should be able to answer just from having taken the classes. Even the syntax/semantics one, and I never had a syntax or semantics class.

The lit one gave me a scare because I used as examples two books I have not read. I couldn't even remember the main character's name in one of them, and even though I knew the theory I was supposed to discuss, I had few concrete examples. I finished an hour early that day, and my answer was less than 4 pages long (all my other responses ended up being around 6 pages). I was sure I would get called back for an oral defense on that one. But, as the week went by and I didn't hear anything, I started to grow more confident because I knew I did well enough that I couldn't have failed outright. Finally on Friday I got the confirmation that I passed.

It took me about half an hour to stop shaking.

So that's over, five years and two kids later. It will be SO wonderful next year when I can actually get a vacation and not have to spend it studying or researching! Chris is currently in Chattanooga with his tri team, but I can't wait to celebrate with him when he gets back. I never would have made it without his support. He and the kids have had to sacrifice a lot so I could go to classes and write research papers and do presentations. Chris has had to work his entire schedule around my grad school nights, and we've often had to plan events around paper due dates. I missed most of Jonah's first birthday because I had a test that night that couldn't be rescheduled. A major part of why I was so nervous about passing comps in one try was so that I wouldn't have to put everyone through another round of studying.

I am going to miss school, though. As hard as it was, I enjoyed getting one night a week of real intellectual stimulation. I love my kids and I hated having to spend so much time away from them, but I am going to miss that link to the "academic world." Part of me wants to take up something else. Not a PhD -- I have to admit that it's tempting, but there is no need for that unless I wanted to teach at a university, and I don't think I do. But maybe national boards, or an ESL certificate or something. Or maybe I'll just take some professional development courses to move up the pay scale a little more. This is not the time, though. For at least the next few years, I am done being the student!

I hope to have more time to keep this blog up to date now, especially since I've done such a lousy job documenting Lorien's first year. That should start to change!

antisocial

Remember a few months ago when I naively thought that life would be easier this spring since I didn't have to take a class and "just" had to study for comps?

Yeah.

I stand corrected.

Comps begin this Saturday. I have spent the last few months poring over the 45 linguistics questions, of which I will get three. Two on Saturday, one next Saturday. The fourth question will be a literature question, which I have not even started looking at yet (good thing I'm on Spring Break next week!). Each question has required hours of research, and I'm down to only a couple that I haven't fully figured out -- the others I just have to remember. I don't whether to feel cautiously confident or completely terrified -- it all comes down to which question gets randomly pulled out of a hat. Hopefully one where I can show what I know rather than expose what I do not. Anyway. I should know results shortly after Easter. In the meantime, I am trying to cram as much into my brain as superhumany possible.

But of course that's not all I've been doing.
My kids are both quite a bit bigger than the last time I wrote anything. Here is Lorien from a few weeks ago. I took this hoping it would show her two teeth. Yes, teeth! She is proving to be different from her brother in pretty much every possible way. She was born at a normal time, weighed an average amount, is now tall and lean where he was always higher in weight percentages than height (as a baby -- not anymore), slept through the night earlier, and is teething at an average time. She has also started crawling (Jonah was not the least bit interested in that at 9 months). She can wave, clap, sorta do a couple of hand signs, feed herself, sit herself up, and she's starting to pull herself up on furniture. I can't believe she's almost one! Anyway, yeah, here's the picture:



That is my life in a nutshell. I hope to return to the land of the living in 10 days.

Andy, Heather, and Aven came over for Christmas Eve. We kept trying to get pictures of the two baby girl cousins. With all of the adults yelling a chorus of "Lorien! Aven! Look over here!", this was pretty much the standard result:

Finding the time

My grad class -- my LAST grad class -- ended last Monday. It was the hardest semester yet, but somehow with the help of my awesome husband and family, I made it (though I won't find out my grade until tomorrow, I'm hoping for an A). I never did find a happy medium between work, school, family, and fitness. I feel like I'm muddling by, making it but just barely.
I have not fallen completly out of shape, but I'm not where I would like to be, either. My advisor recently told me that I am "amazing" because I have had two kids since the first time I had a class with him -- but he hasn't seen my most recent paper (again, hoping for an A, but won't be surprised by a B). And I got a really nice letter from a former student last week -- but it just made me feel even more guilty for running on autopilot this year. At the last race I ran (in November -- before that I hadn't raced since August), I lost count of how many people told me, "I don't know how you find the time."

The short answer is, I don't. I wish I could reach into my closet and pull out an extra half hour that I forgot was in my coat pocket from last winter. Or take a few hours off the hands of Facebook friends who are always posting about how bored they are. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. You've heard it before: You don't find time; you make time.

Well, you do. And I don't care how busy you think you are, if something is important enough to you, you will make time for it. That will mean making sacrifices. You will always be able to find someone who has more obstacles to overcome than you do, and they make it work. So you have no excuses.

I have no excuses.

My busy schedule this fall has included teaching full time, going to grad school, a preschooler who does not like to go to bed, a baby who does not like to stay asleep, breastfeeding and all the stress that goes with pumping at work (stupid teaching schedule is SO not conducive to pumping!), and a husband who also has a pretty demanding job and is also trying to fit in workouts. More recently add in some daycare changes that have meant our kids are in two different cities during the day. It sounds (and feels) like a lot, but I'd say we're pretty lucky that that's all we have to deal with. I often catch myself thinking, "It would be so much easier if we had x." (x = no commute, more flexible hours, an endless pool in the basement, a maid, and so on.) But we don't, and none of that is about to change. Chris is actually on the lookout for an endless pool, but he's been looking for years for one that we could afford, and I'm not holding my breath.

Several things should get easier next semester. For one thing, I'm done with grad school!!! I still have to take the comps test in April -- a set of four essay questions taken over two consecutive Saturdays -- which means I'm going to have to hit the reading lists hard over the winter. I'm going to pretend like I have a class so I can study for comps, but at least I can just walk two blocks to the Lexington library rather than drive half an hour into ISU.

Second, both kids are going to be at daycare in Fairbury. Since they don't have to be picked up until 6:30, I have some flexibility after work. I could do a run or even a bike ride after school and still be there to pick them up around 4:30, which is the same time I picked them up in Lexington. That will probably be my best bet, because Lorien's sleep schedule is killing me, and I can't drag myself out of bed at 4:30 after so little sleep! I don't know what happened to the whole sleeping through the night thing that she had been doing so well! She just abruptly stopped that about a month ago.

Third, I think I'm done nursing. Lorien seems to prefer the bottle now, and pumping at work is just not going well. Since her new daycare provides formula, it's less of an expense, and she doesn't seem to notice the difference.

Also, we finally moved the treadmill to the basement, so if the stars ever align and I do manage to get up for an early workout, OR if both of our kids end up napping at the same time (right. Jonah doesn't nap anymore at all) I can run without shaking the entire house and waking everyone up.

Mostly, though, I need to work on my core. I still have diastasis recti, which I think is the cause of all the back problems I had a couple years ago. Those are starting to return, and I think I need to take care of that before I start anything else.

So. I know what I need to do. I need to have all of my workout clothes ready the night before. I need to keep a few sets of workout clothes in the basement so that if the opportunity arises, I can hop on the treadmill or the trainer without having to go upstairs to change and wake everyone up with the creaky stairs. I need to do a better job coordinating workouts with Chris. I need to schedule races, because racing is often what gets me fired up about training.

I know what I have do. I just have to make the time to do it.

I have no recent pictures on this computer, so I promise to get some in my next post. Which will not be two months from now.

Is this thing on?

Hello? Anyone there?

Hi.

I have been sort of MIA the last couple of months, mostly thanks to the demands of work, grad school, a 4-year-old, a baby, and...life.

And I don't really have time to give any sort of update on how we're all doing, so I'll just say we're all fine and here are a couple pictures. None of which were taken within the last month. So Lorien has grown a bit since these, but here you go.

Lorien being giggly. She is a long and lean little girl!

 

At a little family fun park. I just love how Chris is sitting on the pirate's lap like a kid telling Santa what he wants for Christmas. :)

 

Jonah started preschool this year!

 

Lorien got her first swim lesson at 12 weeks old.

More recently, Jonah had his 4th birthday, and right after that he had eye surgery. He recovered well and does not need to wear his eye patch anymore. Lorien can sit up on her own for a few seconds before flopping over, and she can also roll over both ways (back to front and front to back) and purposely grab at things. She expresses both pleasure and displeasure by spitting raspberries, and her laugh has become more pronounced and adorable. She is drooling like crazy and is approaching the Everything Goes in the Mouth stage.

And because it’s been about a week since I started writing this, here are a couple more recent ones:

Playing in the yard on Columbus Day (I love being a teacher!)

At a park on a gorgeous fall afternoon.

And that's life right now! Loving it!

Shameless

I purchased myself a new pair of jeans the other day. We're having a cool weather spell which reminds me of fall, which means jeans! But depending on which scale is the trustworthy one, I have between 7 and 11 pounds left to lose (but I made my back-to-school goal, yay me!) so I am at the weird stage again where my regular clothes don't fit well, and maternity clothes are too big. A new pair was in order.

I held out as long as I could on maternity clothes with this pregnancy. This was me on Facebook at 18 weeks:
"would like to take this opportunity to note that at almost 18 weeks pregnant, I can still fit into regular jeans. They are my fat jeans, and I had to take them off after lunch (during lunch) but still. A win is a win."

Not long after that I surrendered for good. And then the storm clouds parted and a choir of angels began to sing as I finally felt somewhat comfortable sitting down (that was short lived, of course, but at least my pants fit). So now that I am on the way back down, I’m sort of at that same place, only now I don’t want to give up my comfy, hassle-free maternity wardrobe.

Enter new jeans. The dirty secret?
THEY'RE MATERNITY!!!!

What? It’s not like I bought pajama jeans. Although they are tempting….

I thought I was done shopping in the maternity section forever, but I discovered that all the new pants I got this winter still fit even though I’m almost back down to normal size, because the stretchy material at the top is really small and tight (but, as witnessed, can still expand to fit over a beach ball). So I'm totally keeping all of them to wear forever. They will be my "Thanksgivin' Pants!" :) Why aren't ALL pants made like that? Seriously, what was my problem last year wanting to put off wearing maternity clothes for so long? I never want to go back!

Except with the shirts. I sort of have an aversion to empire waists now....

On a different note, I had another race this morning. It was a small 5k in Fairbury, the town where I teach. When I say small, I mean small. It’s the race I won last year. I had no expectations to do anything like that again, but I did have a few goals based on how I’ve been running lately. I met two of them: go under 8:00 pace (7:48, yeah!) and be in the top 5 (3rd!). 3rd seems to be the magic number. I was 3rd in my age group at Canton, 3rd overall at this race, and also 3rd in my age group (both of the girls who beat me were in my age group, and even though they gave the overall winner an award, they did not take her out of the age group standings like most races do). I didn’t hear the winner’s time, but I don’t think she was that far ahead of me. Second place was within sight. I ran with one of my students for the last mile, and when we had a quarter mile left, I told him, “If we hurry, we can make it under 24:00.” He hurried, and finished in 23:53. I tried, but I had nothing left and missed it by 10 seconds. That was my stretch goal, and I’m not upset to have missed it.

Usually the cross country team does not run this race because their season has begun (they all volunteer, though), and that’s another reason why I was so high in the standings. I think they will be able to run it next year, though, so I will definitely have my work cut out for me trying to keep up with some fast high schoolers!

Finally, Lorien and Jonah both have their first week at the babysitter’s under their belt. Lorien has been so amazingly good! She went half days Monday through Wednesday and then full days since then, and our sitter says she’s been wonderful. I am so relieved! It was hard to leave her, of course, but not as heartbreaking as the first time I left Jonah. Like everything else so far, there are fewer worries with the second child. It helps that I love our sitter and I know my kids are in good hands. And now that I have seen how much Jonah has thrived in daycare and how much he looks forward to going (and throws a fit whenever it’s time to come home), I don’t feel quite so guilty about having to work.

I don’t have any recent pictures of Lorien uploaded, so here’s a quick one I just took with the webcam. She is getting so big so fast! sniff.

 

Race Report!

I have not been this excited for a race in a very long time. The Canton tri is my favorite race, hands down (it used to be a toss-up between Canton and Tri-Shark, but ever since Tri-Shark moved venues it has a different feel and I don’t like it quite as much). This was my first triathlon EVER, and I’ve tried to do it every year. I think I missed two years out of the past 11. Once was in ‘04 when we lived in Champaign and did the Champaign Mini Tri (only minutes from our apartment), and the other time was in ‘07 when I was pregnant with Jonah. It is one of the few small-town triathlons left that has managed to maintain its low-key, low-pressure feel. It has definitely transformed somewhat since I started doing it – it is now chip timed, for instance. There used to be volunteers positioned with clipboards and stopwatches, and you’d have to yell out your race number as you passed them. Then they would mail out a booklet of results a few weeks later.

But it is still pretty small and family friendly. There are only three or four waves, and you seed yourself into whichever wave you want. You rack your bike wherever you want (we never get there early and still get decent spots because it is not that crowded). After the adults go, there is a kids’ race (this is where Chris got his triathloning start back in the day) that is a ton of fun to watch. You never know what kind of competition will be there. Some years there are some super fast people, and in other years, I am near the top. (I’ve been 2nd and 3rd overall the last two years if that tells you anything.)

I knew I would not be anywhere near the top this year, and I was fine with that. Well. I was telling myself that I was fine with it, which is slightly different. I mean, my first race back, Lorien is only 2 months old, I have done exactly zero speed work on the bike or the run. Or the swim. It is completely acceptable, and even expected, for me to completely suck at everything right now. So this was a “just for fun” race. Right?

Right.

I have never been good at going easy on myself, and now that there is no more baby in my belly to worry about, I wanted to hammer the thing! I knew I would not be fast, but I also knew that if I went too hard and blew up, everything would be fine. I would just be a little tired is all. So I definitely did not take it easy, and I definitely felt it.

They changed the start format this year. Rather than start in the water, we started on the boat ramp and ran in. The organizers just decided that morning to do it that way (haha), so it may or may not change back next year. In theory, this should benefit those who don’t start in the front row, because their time does not begin when the gun goes off, but rather when they cross the timing mat. What ended up happening was that there was a bottleneck right after the mat, so everyone ran across the mat, activating their timing chips, and then came to a halt. But it was just a few seconds, so not really a big deal. .

My swim was ok. Actually, it was wonderful! I had to focus to keep myself from smiling in the water (shallow lake, lots of vegetation). Time wise it was pretty lousy under normal standards. But I was trying not to judge myself by normal standards. It was about a minute slower than last year, which in turn was a minute slower than my best. My too-loose tri top that was flopping all around and acting as a parachute did not help matters, but it certainly was not the biggest factor. And with my belly in the shape that it’s in, I am still glad I did not wear anything tighter.

The bike was frustrating. I really want a do-over! You would think that after 11 years in the sport I would have learned a thing or two about how to ride a bike. Not so, apparently. I didn’t crash or anything, but I made several newbie mistakes that all have to do with not taking the time to check things over myself.

Chris changed the battery in my hub so my power tap would work. When he said it was working, I just assumed that he checked it all out and didn’t give it a second thought. It WAS working, but the magnet was not aligned, so it wasn’t picking up speed or power. I didn’t turn it on beforehand, so I didn’t notice until I was out on the course. I know a lot of people say that you shouldn’t need to see numbers while you’re racing – just race by feel and if you do it right, your time will be the same regardless of whether or not you can see it as you go. Yeah, well, I am not one of those people. The numbers motivate me. I need to see my speed. Otherwise I get lazy, get distracted, and have no sense of how hard I’m really going. So stupid mistake #1.

Stupid mistake #2 – I was in the small chain ring for almost the entire race and I didn’t know it. How could you not know it? I don’t know. I had left it in the big ring after my last ride, and it didn’t occur to me that Chris would probably change it when he took my wheel off. He also told me that he changed my front chain ring so that I would have lower gearing.

I kept gearing out, and thinking “Oh, there must be a tailwind. I must be FLYING! Look at me go! I’m doing a triathlon and I’m going FAST!” (If my computer had been working and I could have seen my speed, I would have known that I was indeed not “flying.” grr.) Going up the hills: “Huh. I haven’t had to switch to the small ring at all yet. Must be that awesome tailwind!” After we turned and I was STILL gearing out and wanting a higher gear: “Ok, I know Chris said I’d have lower gearing, but this is ridiculous. I’m going to have him change my chain ring back to the old one.” It wasn’t until about halfway back in, when I should have head a headwind to compensate for that “awesome tailwind” I thought I had at the beginning that it finally occurred to me to look down. *Mental forehead smack* When I did move to the big ring, I really started moving. Too bad there were only three miles left at that point.

When I told Chris about it later, he did not mince words. “That was pretty stupid.” Yeah. It was. Lesson learned (hopefully).

My ride was still pretty good, actually. I ended up with an 18.3 mph average. I really shouldn’t complain, because my goal going in was to try for 18 mph. But now that I know I could have been even faster, I’m mad about it. But it’s fine. Let it go, self. Let it go….

Onto the run. Not really a lot to say about the run. This is not a fast course, and for some reason I underestimate that every year. But I did what I wanted to do (I wanted sub-9:00 pace and I got 8:30, hooray!) and I could not have done it any faster. I did get passed by three women, and that has not happened in years. The run is where I still feel the weakest, probably because it has such a high impact on your body. I know it will come back (it’s already coming back faster than last time), and it just makes me more excited for next year. Chris won the race overall again (by a LOT. He is a freaking machine.) I ended up getting 3rd in my age group. Good day!

The best part about this race was, of course, seeing Jonah AND LORIEN out on the course “cheering.” Elaine and Al brought them out so both Chris and I could race, and Jonah spent most of the time at the playground by the finish line.

This was also a good reminder that even sprint triathlons are HARD! I have been doing it for so long now that I tend to brush them off as, not "easy" necessarily, but not really that big of a deal to just do. Sprints will always hurt like crazy if you really race them, but even if you just "do" it without trying to push yourself too hard, it still takes some stamina to get through. Definitely a good thing to have to re-learn the hard way now and then.

One more thought. I got a lot of comments about racing so soon after having a baby. Especially concerning the bike leg. Just to be clear, I was not able to ride a bike so soon after having Jonah. I think he was nearly three months old before I finally got on the trainer, and then I rode for probably half an hour and it was awful. Of course it was winter by then so I had zero motivation to ride on the trainer, but all during the gorgeous fall weather we had that year, I just never felt recovered enough to try sitting on a bike. Everything is just easier the second time around – it always is (marathon, Ironman, baby…). Maybe it’s physically less traumatic for your body when it’s already done it once, or maybe it’s mentally easier for you to handle the discomfort because you’ve done it before. Or a little of both. Either way, do not get down on yourself if you are not bouncing back immediately. There are SO many factors that go into coming back after a baby (what kind of labor and delivery you had, the level of activity you were or were not able to maintain during pregnancy, etc.). But, it WILL come back, if you want it to.

I was with Chris talking to someone after the race yesterday, and Chris mentioned something about trying getting back into race shape after Lorien’s birth (referring to himself). The guy we were talking to pointed out that it was ME who had the baby and had the actual recovering to do. Chris responded that I also get post-pregnancy blood doping to help with that. Yes, that may be true (it’s only fair!) but that is only part of the story. There’s an important psychological aspect at work, too. I’ve been on the sidelines for the better part of a year. There is nothing like a (semi-)involuntary extended break to get you fired up and motivated. And as frustrating as it can be when you aren’t able to jump back into things right where you left off, try not to get discouraged. The payoff will just be that much more rewarding when it does finally happen. And all of that pent-up motivation will help make it happen.

Lorien with Mom’s medal

All of us after the race. My tri shorts are stretched to their breaking point, but by this time next year, they WILL fit right.